


Twelve Ounces of Whoopass and a Pinch of Indigestion

by Tasceri



Series: Vomikuverse [2]
Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Irritable Bowel Syndrome attempting to ruin Riku's life, M/M, Meanwhile Vanitas is perfectly capable of ruining his own life, Mild Sexual Content, Riku is terrible at flirting, Vanitas is just terrible
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-11
Updated: 2019-05-08
Packaged: 2019-06-25 19:52:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,587
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15647811
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tasceri/pseuds/Tasceri
Summary: Riku's face is flushed, his stomach is in knots and his chest is tingling. And for once it might have nothing to do with indigestion. (Early dates in the Vomikuverse, mature for later chapters)





	1. Date Five: Riku's Flat (Part One)

Riku steps from the restaurant into the cooling evening air, breathing the same sigh of relief people usually associate with finishing an exam or passing airport security. He rocks on his toes, swinging his arms a little, forcing himself to loosen up. The date went fine: no vomiting, no diarrhea, no anaphylaxis. Riku is well aware of just how pathetic it is that his definition of a good date is that astronomically low, but considering that his entire body seems custom designed to ruin his love life he's given up hoping for better.  
  
The date _was_ better than fine, actually. Another of his date's former places of employment - there seem to be a lot - a salad bar with a menu so customisable it made Riku's eyes water. Thankfully Vanitas was more than happy to take the lead and order for him, and while Riku could have easily eaten a salad twice the size of the already generous portion he was served, it tasted good and didn't kill him, so he considered that a success. Vanitas didn't seem to realise that Riku being easily twice his weight would mean easily twice the appetite, but he was reluctant to say anything since Van insisted on paying for their meals. That's where he is now, settling the bill while Riku catches a breath of fresh air. His stomach doesn't feel bad, but it doesn't exactly feel great either, and he was beginning to feel uncomfortably selfconscious about the grumbling and gurgling of his digestive system in the fairly quiet restaurant.  
  
As well as really needing to fart the whole evening.  
  
Vanitas appears with surprising stealth considering how loud he usually is, his hand immediately finding the small of Riku's back.  
  
"Apparently the employee discount is only supposed to apply to _current_ employees," he announces as if this isn't how all employee discounts usually work.  
  
"You left a tip though, right?" Riku asks. They fall into step together, heading towards the bicycle rack across the street. Vanitas scoffs.  
  
"Of course I did, I'm not that much of a fucking asshole." As if needing to qualify that that doesn't mean he's not an asshole at all, he yells an expletive and flips the bird at a driver who doesn't quite stop at the red light while they're crossing the street. Riku pretends not to hear him.  
  
"So we've officially had more dates that haven't ended in gastrointestinal disaster," he says as he unlocks his bike. This was their fifth date, and while they got off to… pretty much the worst possible start, the last three dates could be loosely counted as a success. If he ignored the fight Vanitas got into with the cinema attendant last week, but since it turned out that the other man had about the body strength of a newborn kitten Riku had just carried him out of the theatre before he could actually get them thrown out.  
  
"Sorry to disappoint," says Van, "The night's still young though. I bet I could still poison you if you wanted."  
  
"Poisoning me really isn't an accomplishment." Considering the extensive list of things Riku is actually allergic to plus the even more extensive list of things his bowels are prone to rejecting anyway it's honestly more of an achievement to _not_ poison him. "But, uh, speaking of the rest of the evening… did you want to come over to my place? I biked into town but there's a bus stop pretty close to my house." So far they've only been to Van's tiny flat in the city centre, which is more convenient except for the fact that the bathroom is about the size of a wardrobe and Riku's pretty sure the couch is older than either of them, to say nothing of the state of Van's bed.  
  
He doesn't comment on it, but he notices that Vanitas stiffens a little at the suggestion. He thinks he'll make some kind of excuse, but instead Van says, "Can we walk? It's a pretty nice evening." Maybe it's just public transport he's not keen on. Riku hopes so.  
  
"It's about forty minutes walking," Riku says, which is a generous estimate since it assumes that Vanitas has the same walking pace as Riku. And there are very few people with the same walking pace as Riku.  
  
"Oh yeah, that's fine." Vanitas is relaxed again. He wriggles his hand into Riku's free hand, squeezing his fingers tight around Riku's palm. Riku is suddenly uncomfortably aware of how clammy his palm is.  
  
"Sorry, I'm really sweaty," he apologises, moving to pull his hand away from Van's so he can wipe it off on his jeans or something. But Van just squeezes his hand tighter.  
  
"You're not sweaty," says Van cheerfully, "You're naturally lubricated."  
  
Riku wrinkles his nose and squeezes his eyes shut. "That's... that's _so much worse_." That makes Van laugh, bumping his shoulder against Riku's arm. Vanitas' laugh is… unusual. Loud and abrupt and just a bit horsey, but what Riku really likes about it is how unselfconscious it is. If Van finds something funny, everyone within earshot is going to know about it whether they want to or not. For Riku, someone who basically lives his entire life in a cloud of selfconscious anxiety, Van's who-gives-a-fuck attitude is a breath of fresh air.  
  
They walk in silence for a few minutes, Riku pretending his heart isn't fluttering at the feeling of having his hand held in public. Or at all. He glances at Vanitas: his slight wiry frame, the tawny brown of his skin taking on a gold sheen in the evening light, his messy hair sticking out in more directions than Riku thought it was possible for hair to stick out in. His face somehow round and pointy at the same time, with high cheekbones and a smooth nose suggesting Asian or maybe Native American heritage. Vanitas is definitely mixed _something_ , but Riku isn't sure when it's okay to ask that kind of thing, especially since his date is proving to be cagey about anything family-related. He could ask Sora what the appropriate ettiquete is, but he doesn't want to be that white guy who immediately turns to his black friend for help whenever anything race-related comes up.  
  
Riku figures he'll do what he normally does and ignore it in the hopes that it comes up naturally in conversation.  
  
"I guess I should warn you now," he says at last, wanting to break out of his thoughts, "My kitchen is nowhere near as interesting or well-equipped as yours."  
  
"Good," says Vanitas, making Riku laugh with surprise. "Hey, cooking is all I have going for me. If you turned out to be better than me I'd have to break up with you immediately."  
  
"Thank God I suck in the kitchen then," Riku replies, trying not to focus on the fact that the possibility of them breaking up means that Vanitas thinks there's a thing between them _to_ break up.  
  
"Oh, you do? Maybe your kitchen's gonna be better than I thought then."  
  
It takes Riku a second to catch the innuendo and when he does it's all he can do to stop the flush of embarrassment from completely consuming his face. He gulps, his brain devoid of words in the face of Van's dirty lopsided grin and mischevious eyes. God, those eyes make Riku's insides liquify. In a not-diarrhea kind of way. _Come on, Riku, be cool. For once in your damn life._  
  
"Well, uh, the kitchen's not the only place I can suck in." Unfortunately true in both senses of the word. Flirting is another thing he sucks at, which is most of the reason why only people who haven't actually heard him speak find him sexy. But Van just grins wider, bumping Riku's shoulder again surprisingly hard.  
  
"Can't wait." He says this after a slight hesitation, making Riku wonder if he tried to come up with something witty in response and gave up. Then he abruptly says, "If we get mugged, will you beat the mugger up? Like, karate style?"  
  
"Uh, no, not exactly karate style. I mean, I do incorporate elements of karate into self defense, but it's not like I'd be doing a knifehand strike on them or anything." Vanitas asks a lot of questions about martial arts, and Riku suspects that his answers are kind of disappointing. "Since there's two of us, if we were assailed by a single attacker I'd disarm them if necessary and keep them in a hold so you could escape and call the police."  
  
"Boring. If I knew karate I'd beat the shit out of them."  
  
"That explicitly goes against the principles of all martial arts," says Riku, not for the first time. Vanitas lets out a groan that pretty much encapsulates his feelings on that subject.  
  
"Whatever, I have noodle arms anyway. Not even a tough noodle, like fucking vermicelli. Have you had to use self defense before? In real life?"  
  
"A couple times," Riku admits. "I mean, there aren't many people who would go after me these days since I'm pretty, uh, well built, but when I was younger I had a few issues."  
  
"Oh, because of the whole flashing neon sign above your head screaming gay, gay, gay?"  
  
Riku sighs. "Yeah, pretty much. If you can believe it I actually used to look even more unbelievably gay than I do now."  
  
"Is that even possible?" Van laughs. "Were you pretty much exclusively wearing rainbows, or...?"  
  
"I had some, uh..." Riku recalls the word Sora used to describe his choices in clothing, " _Creative_ fashions when I was a teen."  
  
"You know you're contractually obliged to show me pictures, right?"  
  
"Okay, but you've got to show me pictures of yourself as a teen too," Riku snips back, expecting a laugh and maybe a rebuttal - but Vanitas stiffens suddenly, his voice cold and sharp when he speaks.  
  
"Joke's on you, because there aren't any."  
  
"What, seriously? None?" Riku blurts out, startled by his harsh reply. It's only after he's spoken that he realises it might be kind of a sensitive topic and worth navigating with caution. Too late.  
  
"No," snaps Van sourly, angling away. "You'll have to use your imagination."  
  
"Well… in that case, I'm going to assume you had a hardcore goth phase in your late teens that you never truly grew out of." He hopes the joke will ease the sudden tension. If not he can just, you know, let go of Vanitas and never speak to him again.  
  
"That's more interesting than the truth, so let's go with that," says Vanitas. Riku wants to tell him that actually he's more interested in the truth - but he figures asking for that now is only going to make him clam up even more. He gives Van's hand a squeeze though, hoping that the wordless sympathy will somehow pass through their skin. Van doesn't say anything, but at least he squeezes Riku's hand back. They walk on without speaking, Riku wondering if he should try to change the subject. Which is another thing he sucks at.  
  
Finally just as he's narrowing down the list of possible things about his flat to apologise for, Van says, "People really like stars but they're just dots. I prefer it when the sky's overcast at night."  
  
"Like I said, goth phase," Riku ventures, earning another laugh. "I think the stars are pretty cool. You know, everything feels so small and insignificant compared to how majestic they are."  
  
Van shrugs. "I'm pretty much over feeling small and insignificant."  
  
"I think you're just going to have to accept being small at your age." says Riku, feeling like it's maybe premature to make a comment about Van's significance to him since this is still only their fifth (third successful) date.  
  
"Heh. Never." Van laughs again, the laugh turning into a yawn that he doesn't even bother to try covering. "It's probably a good thing I'm still the size of a twelve year old. My personality with your body would be..." He trails off, looking over Riku shamelessly. Riku pretends he doesn't enjoy the attention.  
  
"In jail, I'm guessing."  
  
"Yeah, probably," Vanitas nods. "But hey, at least I'd be able to defend myself."  
  
"You're forgetting the part where you have constant indigestion exascerbated by the terrible prison food."  
  
"Oh shit," says Vanitas, his grin making the corners of his eyes crinkle. He seems to have completely forgotten his sudden sour mood. Emotions for Van seem to be like this - flipping from "everything is hilarious" to "everything is personally pissing me off" and back again like a light switch with, as far as Riku can tell, almost no middle ground between the two extremes. It's kind of endearing. Or maybe Riku is just really, really gay.  
  
"That pretty much sums it up, yeah."  
  
Van cackles with laughter. "Not to mention the constant farts."  
  
The whole IBS plus arm-long list of allergies combo is something Riku is touchy about for obvious reasons, and usually he wouldn't tolerate anyone making jokes about it except his closest friends. But something about Van actually makes him feel less self-conscious. Maybe it's the fact that the constant farts somehow seem to in no way mitigate Van's apparent attraction to him. So instead of snapping defensively, Riku just chuckles a little, giving Van's hand another squeeze.  
  
"So…what is it about cloudy skies that you like?"  
  
Vanitas hums. "I dunno. I guess it's like… clouds have feeling, you know?" He looks up at the clear sky above them, the pinpricks of stars just visible against the hazy glow of the city. Riku looks at Vanitas, at this new pensive expression on his face. "It's best when they're dark and angry. The whole air feels like something's gotta break."  
  
"The calm before the storm?"  
  
"It's not calm," Van corrects. "It's the opposite of calm. It's tension but it's tension that's gonna snap and nothing is gonna stop it. I like that. Sometimes when there's a storm due in the night I go out and walk round until it hits. It feels alive."  
  
"That's pretty poetic," says Riku. Even though Van hasn't really told Riku anything about himself, he feels as though he's finally been given a real insight into the other man's mind. Vanitas just yawns in response; Riku figures he doesn't care much for poetry. "Oh, turn right here."  
  
"Sure. So what's your favourite weather?"  
  
Riku considers this. "After a storm, when things are cool again. Good for running." There's nothing worse than hitting his morning jog when the air is thick and heavy. "I sweat enough as it is, I don't need to feel like I'm running through it as well." This comment makes Vanitas laugh.  
  
"You must work out a lot, huh."  
  
"Half an hour running every day, martial arts four times a week plus the classes I teach… I also swim once or twice a week if I can find the time. Oh, and weights." Riku checks each kind of exercise off, running through his schedule. He doesn't realise until he's finished talking that it probably sounded like he was showing off.  
  
"Wow." Van sounds impressed. "I was banned from gym class at eleven, so that's where I rank in comparison."  
  
"Jesus, what did you do?"  
  
Van taps his chin in thought. "Hmm. I think the official report said something like "uncontrolled aggression"? I think the last straw was when I hit another kid over the head with a baseball bat, but in my defense he was pissing me off."  
  
"I was a pretty angry kid too," Riku offers, although he has the feeling that as adults it's Vanitas who's the more aggressive one. "Workshop was one of my best classes, but I failed in ninth grade because I threw a clamp at one of my classmates. I was mad at the time but looking back that's pretty fair. I used to get into fights all the time too."  
  
"But you're so calm now."  
  
"Well, yeah, I think I've worked through most of the issues that were making me angry in the first place by now," says Riku, even though he wouldn't exactly describe himself as "calm". But he doesn't take his anxiety and insecurity out on other people any more, at least not most of the time. "Karate actually made a huge difference. It gave me a chance to work out some of my anger and taught me the discipline I... really needed as a kid."  
  
Van nods sagely. "Maybe I should have done karate."  
  
"It's never too late to learn," says Riku, adding before he can chicken out, "I could give you private lessons if you wanted." Van laughs.  
  
"Hell yeah. Or, I have a better idea. What's that one where you grab each other a bunch?"  
  
"Judo?"  
  
"Yeah, you should teach me judo. And we should do it the traditional way, naked."  
  
Riku should be replying with something flirtatious and at least vaguely sexy, but he realises too late and is already saying, "Actually judo was never performed naked. Using the opponent's gi for hold and leverage is actually a critical part of the sport." He kicks himself mentally, knowing he deserves Van's look of total disbelief.  
  
"I gave that to you on a plate, you fucking nerd."  
  
"Oh come on, like you wouldn't correct me if I came up with some inaccurate line about cooking."  
  
"Heh, fair." Van grins his infectious grin; Riku can't help but smile too. Maybe he won't totally mess this up. At least not straight away.  
  
"I mean, I do know the basics of wrestling, which _was_ traditionally done naked. It's, uh, less historically accurate to do it on a bed, but… you know, I think we could take some liberties there." Smooth. Riku doesn't think he'll ever manage to pull off a pick up line without stumbling.  
  
"That's better," says Van.  
  
"I still think I've got a way to go with the delivery."  
  
"Hey, you still want me to think I've got a chance with you, right?"  
  
Riku laughs. "Okay, good point." They walk on, Van swinging their arms back and forth as they walk. Eventually Riku says, "Vanitas… did you ask me out when we first met because I was so awkward?"  
  
Van glances up, midway through yet another yawn. "Thought that was obvious. I mean, I pretty much figured that when you rejected me you'd at least be too awkward to punch my face in."  
  
"Wow. I can't believe my social anxiety actually worked in my favour for once."  
  
"I wouldn't be too hasty," says Van, quite casually, "You still have plenty of time to regret saying yes." His comment is punctuated by another yawn.  
  
"Tired?"  
  
"Ugh, yeah." Vanitas rubs his eyes with his free hand. "You should carry me."  
  
Before he can panic Riku says, "Sure, okay."  
  
"Oh my God, are you serious?" Van looks like he isn't sure whether to be ecstatic or petrified.  
  
"Yeah, sure. It's only about ten minutes to my flat anyway, and you weigh what, a hundred twenty pounds at most?" Riku leans his bike against the nearest building and crouches so Van can climb on his back. "Hop on."  
  
"You _are_ serious," Vanitas says. Definitely settling for ecstatic. He loops his arms around Riku's neck and lets him take his weight.  
  
"Rest your legs on my hips, it'll make it easier." Riku slides his arms under Van's thighs, trying not to think too hard about the heat of the smaller man's body so close to him. Or the fact that he's close enough that he can feel Vanitas' breath against his neck.  
  
"Didn't think I'd be riding you this soon," Van says huskily into Riku's ear, which doesn't make things any easier. At least Van can't see how flushed Riku's face is, especially once he starts toying idly with Riku's hair. "Is your hair naturally this colour?"  
  
"Huh?" Riku definitely takes a second too long to realise that Vanitas is speaking. "Oh, no. It is naturally really pale, but I get a lavender rinse to get it more, you know, platinum blonde."  
  
"It's so soft."  
  
"I take good care of it. I… probably care more about my hair than I should."  
  
"No, I like it." Vanitas curls his hand in Riku's hair and tugs lightly, which definitely shouldn't turn Riku on as much as it does. Riku thanks God that they're in the residential district and it's late enough that not many people are out at this time in the evening. With a bit of luck he'll manage to avoid anyone before he gets to his flat, because he's really not sure he trusts his face - or any other part of his body - to behave. "You ever wear it in a ponytail?"  
  
"Yeah, when I'm fighting. Or a French braid if my friend Sora's there to do one for me. It's more secure but I can't braid my hair myself."  
  
"I thought you just taught kids," says Van, playing with more handfuls of hair. Riku really has to focus on keeping balanced, because Vanitas is making absolutely no attempt to actually hold on to his body any more.  
  
"I still do tournaments from time to time," Riku admits. He doesn't like talking to people about his competition record for karate and mixed martial arts (there's a reason his trophies are in a cardboard box and not a display cabinet), mainly because it gives them expectations of Riku being any kind of well-rounded, competent individual. "You know, mostly regionals, a few national competitions here and there."  
  
"And you just weren't planning on telling me that," says Vanitas, feigning offense (at least, Riku hopes he's feigning offense). "What else are you hiding?"  
  
"Uh… I also do occasional work for a modelling agency?" Another thing Sora tells him he shouldn't be embarrassed to mention, but again, expectations. Most guys he's dated have met him through mutual contacts so they go in knowing that Riku's a martial arts expert and model - and then when they meet the real sweaty, awkward, lactose-intolerant Riku they always end up disappointed. _Van's already met the sweaty, awkward, lactose-intolerant Riku_ , he reminds himself sternly; _He's not going to suddenly expect you to be different just because you're actually good at anything_. "Nothing that exciting," he adds anyway. "Mainly for clothing catalogues, that kind of thing."  
  
"Any underwear modelling?" Vanitas asks slyly. Close to Riku's ear again.  
  
_Come on, Riku, stop caring so much. He obviously likes you. Just flirt back, God damn it._  
  
"For you, maybe." He's pretty sure that Van likes that line, considering his laughter and the fact that he wraps his arms tight around Riku's shoulders.  
  
"Hell yeah."  
  
It only takes Riku a few more minutes to get to his road, and luckily he doesn't bump into anyone he knows.  
  
"Here we are," he says as they reach his building, letting a somewhat reluctant Van down off his back. "I'll just lock my-"  
  
_Shit._  
  
His bike.  
  
Riku lets out a long groan of despair. He can almost hear Kairi and Sora laughing at him for being so catastrophically gay that he completely lost his brain cells the moment another guy started flirting with him. He fumbles in his pocket for his keys and presses them into Vanitas' hand.  
  
"I, uh, you let yourself in while I go back for my bike. I'm on the second floor, on the right-" he points to one of the balconies, the one with a sad-looking potted plant and a line of clothes he forgot to take down earlier. "This fob gets you into the building, and this key is for my flat. I'll be right back."  
  
If he runs it should only take him a few minutes to get to his bike and then he can cycle back, as long as it hasn't been stolen already. Although knowing Riku's luck someone's already taken off with it. Jesus, he _liked_ that bike - it wasn't exactly cheap, and it took him forever to find a seat that was actually comfortable. Four horrible minutes of mentally kicking himself for his idiocy pass by as he sprints to where he left the bike. And he gave his keys to Vanitas - his keys, including the key to the bike shed. If he hadn't panicked he could have let Van in first then left with the keys, and he wouldn't have to awkwardly dump the bike somewhere and go pick up the keys again to lock it in the shed.  
  
_God, Riku, can't you do_ anything _right?_  
  
Thankfully the bike is still leaning against the wall where Riku left it. He grabs the handlebars, swings his leg over the frame, and cycles furiously back towards his house. To his surprise when he rounds the corner to his building Van's still standing outside, leaning against the fence separating the parking lot from the sidewalk. _Oh no_ , Riku thinks, trying to ignore the fact that he just farted in panic, _Something's wrong with the lock and we're going to be trapped outside. So much for a romantic post-date evening. I'm going to have to break into my own flat. Oh my God._  
  
"Hey, sorry about that. Uh, did the fob not work?"  
  
"Huh? Oh, I dunno. I wasn't paying attention." Vanitas hands back the keys and follows Riku round the back of the building to the bike shed. "This place looks nice."  
  
"Yeah, it's not too bad," says Riku. "It's kind of pricey, but I wanted somewhere spacious, you know?" From Van's shrug - and the size of his own apartment - Riku figures he doesn't. "Okay, we can go in through the back entrance-" he doesn't know why he wasn't expecting it but he nearly shrieks in surprise when Van smacks his ass with a force that belies his size. The grin on his face suggests that he can't believe his luck that Riku walked straight into that opening.  
  
"Hell yeah."  
  
Riku gulps. "C-come on then. This way." His brain just isn't capable of processing fast enough to reply with anything even vaguely smart. He does manage to grab Van's hand though as he leads them inside and up the stairs. The lock is a bit of a challenge with Van unwilling to relinquish his hand, but Riku manages to push the door open eventually. "Here we are. Uh, welcome to my home." He resists the urge to apologise for the mess considering that it's still tidier than Van's flat by a substantial margin.  
  
"Oh, it _is_ nice," says Vanitas, looking around with interest. Although Riku never actually planned the flat's interior design over the years he found himself collecting furniture and decor he liked, and eventually he scheduled a long weekend with Sora and Kairi to redecorate so the place looked less like a bachelor pad and more like the home of a respectable adult.  
  
"So, uh, this is the living room slash work out room slash office," Riku gestures to the fairly compact room, about half of which is occupied by gym equipment; in the corner by the window is a small desk with his laptop and a set of wall-mounted shelves packed with books, mainly on martial arts and physiology. Squeezed in between the work space and work out space is a sofa with more decorative cushions than Riku realised he owned and an ageing, but respectable, TV. "The kitchenette's through here." Riku's kitchen is actually about the same size as Van's, but it looks a lot bigger for not being crammed full of appliances and boxes of cupboard overflow. Vanitas steps through, surveying the room with a critical eye.  
  
"Electric? Gross." He peers into the oven, making a face, then inspects Riku's kitchenware - subpar if his huff of distain is any indication - and finally comes to the fridge. "Oh my God, Riku, this is the most depressing thing I've ever seen. And I've looked in a mirror."  
  
"You're really cute, so it can't be that bad, right?" Riku asks, but Vanitas is already pulling things out of the fridge, standing on his toes to reach the higher shelves.  
  
"Sliced white bread," he says disbelievingly in the same tone of voice Riku has only ever heard in reference to vermin, tossing almost an entire loaf towards the bin. Riku catches it before it hits the floor, and the lettuce that soon follows. "Iceberg lettuce? You know this is basically the least nutritious food in existence, right?"  
  
"Please stop throwing all my food across the room."  
  
"Tell me this is a joke," says Van, apparently not having heard him, holding up a pack of sliced beef. "Tell me you don't actually eat this. Oh my God, why is your condiment shelf empty. Why are these carrots the _only vegetables_ you have in your crisper."  
  
"Van, I'm allergic to everything and have a gastrointestinal disorder on top of that. I'm not exactly what you'd call adventurous when it comes to food." Apparently even the massive allergic reaction and humiliating indigestion of previous dates hadn't been enough to prepare Vanitas for the reality of Riku's everyday diet. A churning embarrassment settles in Riku's stomach, making his throat tang with acid reflux.  
  
"Oh my God," says Van again, leaning against the fridge as if needing the physical support. "I'm scared to look in the cupboards."  
  
"Then don't," snaps Riku, his tone coming out harsher than he intended. A small voice in his mind tells him he's catastrophising and Vanitas is just being his usual dramatic self, but it's mostly drowned out by the rushing blood in his ears. "I'll show you the rest of the flat and then I'll drop you back home if it's that offensive to you." He realises Van is staring at him with what could only be described as a pained scowl.  
  
"I can walk." The level of venom in his voice is astonishing.  
  
Riku sighs, Kairi's voice in his head telling him _Don't be an asshole, Riku_. He puts the lettuce and the bread back in the fridge, needing the few seconds of distraction it offers. "Look, it's not like I really enjoy this stuff," he says finally. "I just know it won't kill me, so. I've always just kind of played it safe." Van's expression doesn't change. Riku swallows. _He was just messing around and you massively overreacted. What are you, your own damn small intestine?_ "Uh, anyway, here's the cupboards where I keep the rest of the food. It's pretty sad, I know."  
  
Vanitas looks inside, pushing aside pasta and canned vegetables as if hoping to find something even approaching his standards. "Yeah," he agrees, recovering some of his usual bravado, "It is pretty sad. Where's your spice collection?"  
  
Riku points to the counter where a pair of salt and pepper shakers Sora gave him for his birthday a few years ago are sitting. He thinks maybe it would be too much for Vanitas to handle if he tells him he doesn't really use the pepper. In fact, he's pretty sure the peppercorns are out of date by this point.  
  
"No," Vanitas groans, picking up the shakers as if handling some ancient artifact from a long-dead culture. He sinks dramatically to the floor. "No, Riku, no."  
  
Riku burps nervously. "When I first moved out of my mom's place I tried to cook more interesting food, but I just ended up having a lot of flare ups, so I worked out a menu of things I could eat and… I've pretty much stuck to it ever since."  
  
"How many dishes are on this menu." Vanitas asks, or rather, states in the same desperate tone.  
  
"Uh, like five?"  
  
" _Jee_ sus. Looks like I've got my work cut out for me."  
  
"Yeah, good luck finding anything I can eat regularly without getting cramps." Riku extracts the salt and pepper shakers from Van's hands. _Don't be an asshole. Don't be an asshole_. "But if you're up for the challenge I'm always happy to try anything you cook." That at least is true - although Vanitas has only cooked for Riku once the dish he made was probably one of the most amazing things Riku has tasted in his life, and easily the best thing he's ever eaten that hasn't ended up giving him indigestion. He helps Van up off the floor. "And, uh, remember when you made me peppermint tea that time I forgot to tell you I was lactose intolerant?" And stupidly ate like eight entire tablespoons of butter at the restaurant Van chose for them, which was about seven tablespoons more than his bowels needed to completely, and rapidly, evacuate themselves.  
  
"Oh, yeah. I looked it up after, I was right about it being good for indigestion."  
  
"Yeah, I actually bought some after that. It does help."  
  
"You're welcome," Van snickers, not letting go of Riku's hand.  
  
"Do you wanna see the bathroom next? It's less depressing, I promise."  
  
"Sure."  
  
He follows Riku back through the living room to the bathroom, which in Riku's opinion is the best part of the whole flat and a solid eighty percent of the reason he chose it in the first place. For someone who spends as long on the toilet as he does, having a bathroom that wasn't just an afterthought was pretty much top of his list of priorities. Sora even helped him decorate it with a nautical theme that borders on dangerously kitschy.  
  
"Ta-dah."  
  
"Wow, this is the nicest bathroom I've ever seen," says Van. He spots Riku's collection of toilettries, clustered on a shelf bookended by a pair of model ships Riku found in a thrift store for a dollar each. "Holy shit, that's a lot of bottles."  
  
"I told you I take a lot of care of my hair."  
  
"Wow," Van marvels, picking up the shiny tubs and tubes, inspecting them curiously, "I don't even own shampoo."  
  
"Seriously? What do you wash your hair with then?"  
  
"You know, shower gel."  
  
Riku sees an opportunity to return Van's teasing and takes it. "I'd argue that's just as sad as only using salt and pepper to season your food."  
  
"Yeah, okay, fair. Body butter? I thought you were allergic."  
  
"It doesn't have actual butter in," says Riku. He takes the pot and twists off the top, dipping his fingers into the moisturiser. "This one's shea butter, which is like…from a seed? I think?" He takes Van's arm and rubs the butter into his skin. "Anyway it's really good for your skin. Take a sniff."  
  
 Vanitas obediently smells his arm. "Oh wow, it smells edible. And you use this on your whole body?"  
  
"Pretty much."  
  
Van looks like he can barely contain himself. "So what you're saying is… I might have a chance to literally butter you up?"  
  
Riku finds himself laughing. "More than a chance. I've got mango and papaya in here somewhere as well." He rummages for a minute, unearthing the second pot. He doesn't use it as much since it's kind of fruity, even for Riku, but he figures he should make the most of this rare opportunity to show off to Van.  
  
"That smells pretty much as gay as you are," is Van's assessment, scooping out a little of the butter. He licks his finger experimentally and pulls a face. "Eugh. Does _not_ taste as good as it smells."  
  
"God Van, they're not supposed to taste good." Riku flips the pot over, reciting one of the warnings on the label: "For External Use Only."  
  
"So much for licking the butter off you," says Van, already moving on to marvel at the rest of Riku's collection.  
  
"I'm, uh, I'm sure there are other things you can lick off me," Riku manages to say - he's almost certain Vanitas didn't notice that he burped. Van throws him a look that's downright dirty and suddenly his heart has been directly transported into his brain; all he can feel is it pounding between his ears and drowning out every sensible thought.  
  
"Oh yeah, like what?"  
  
What Riku really can't handle is Van's _eyes_ , the way the other man looks at him sly and brazen, that beautiful golden hue almost burning with intensity. His stomach is knotted tight and his palms are even sweatier than usual. He had no idea anything other than anxiety could actually do this to him but God, he's almost enjoying the terrifying tension holding tight in his chest.  
  
He chickens out of voicing any of the suggestions that come to mind, instead going for, "You're the creative one, shouldn't that be your job?"  
  
Vanitas laughs again, his eyes flicking shamelessly over Riku's body. "I have a few ideas." And then his expression changes to something more vulnerable. "Jesus. I really didn't think I'd get this far." Riku wonders if there might be insecurity hiding beneath Van's careless bravado.  
  
"Me either," admits Riku. The sincerity doesn't come naturally; he hopes his voice doesn't sound too hollow. "But, uh, I really like you. The dates we've been on so far have been, um, they've been really great. I mean, despite the…" He hesitates, feeling like saying "despite the diarrhea" would kind of ruin the atmosphere.  
  
"Despite the shitting?" Vanitas supplies helpfully. Riku feels a laugh bubble out of his throat.  
  
"Yeah, despite the shitting." Riku scratches the back of his neck, trying to focus on anything other than the fact that Van is definitely closer than he needs to be given the size of the bathroom. "I think what I'm trying to say is that, I mean, I'm not the kind of person who usually gets a second date, so." Never the most eloquent at the best of times, Riku finds himself struggling to even string half a grammatically correct sentence together. Is he being too serious? Does Vanitas just think this is just a casual relationship or, worse, just a big joke? "Anyway!" Riku realises that came out way too loud. "I think we're done in the bathroom, you want to see the bedroom?"  
  
Vanitas doesn't reply for a few moments, during which time Riku is pretty sure his heart doesn't beat. Then he looks at the floor, takes a deep breath, and says, "I really like you too. And coming from me that means a lot, because I hate nearly everybody." Probably realising that they're both totally out of their depth with this kind of emotional honesty, he saves Riku from trying to think of a reply by following up with; "Okay, take me to the bedroom. And it had better be to make out."  
  
"God," Riku hears himself saying, "I hope so."


	2. Date Five: Riku's Flat (Part Two)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (This is the part where they Fuck)

Compared to the rest of his apartment Riku's bedroom is fairly plain, with neutral wallpaper and relatively little in the way of clutter or decor. He tries to keep his bedroom as tidy as possible since it helps him sleep better, and mess starting to pile up in his room is a sure sign of stress or an oncoming depressive episode. It's not exactly spotless - Riku does surreptitiously kick a dirty sock under the wardrobe when he's pretty sure Van's not looking - but compared to Van's cluttered studio flat it's practically hotel quality. Bordering on impersonal. Riku hopes Van doesn't think he's a neat freak. The main feature, of course, is the bed, which Riku even went to the effort of making before he left for his date, just in case.    
  
"So this is where you jack off," Vanitas says, sitting on the mattress and smoothing his hands over the covers. Then he flops back, his feet dangling over the edge of the bed, letting out a groan of appreciation that absolutely doesn't make Riku's guts clench. "Holy _fuck_ that's comfortable."  
  
"It's amazing, right? You can't even feel the springs," Riku intones. He stayed over at Van's on their second date after falling asleep on the couch, and while Van did offer to let him sleep on the bed he was the first to admit that the couch was more comfortable. Considering how much Riku's back ached after only one night on the ancient sofa, he couldn't help wondering just how much Vanitas' bed even deserved to be qualified as a bed.  
  
" _God_ ," Van practically moans, rolling over and - there's really no other way to describe it - nestling into the covers. He wriggles his shoes off with his toes then hooks his feet up onto the bed. There's something almost feline about the way he stretches. "It smells like you too."  
  
"So…like farts?"  
  
Van gives Riku an impish grin. "A little bit, yeah." He pats the bed next to him. Riku doesn't miss his eyes flickering down his body or the way he bites his bottom lip just for a moment. Just that slight gesture is all it takes for his body to flush with anticipation. It also reminds him that his body is not exactly at its most appealing right now after a meal out and a mad dash to rescue his forgotten bike. Reluctantly Riku admits to himself that he should really shower before getting into bed with his date.  
  
"Uh, I'll just, um, freshen up. Before we make out." He points awkwardly to the bathroom.  
  
Astonishingly well played. If there's an award for being the least smooth person in the bedroom, Riku should really have it.  
  
"Sure," says Van, sitting up now. He looks over the rest of the room curiously. "I'll just nose around in your junk then."  
  
"Can't that wait until after I shower?" Riku asks, trying out a suggestive tone in his voice. He decides it was a success because Van cackles with laughter, that piercing expression never leaving his stunningly golden eyes.  
  
In the bathroom he takes a deep breath, closing his eyes and giving himself a moment to relax and reorient himself. _It's going really well_ , he promises his still tense nerves. _He clearly likes you. He wants to make out. He probably doesn't want to just make out either_. Why is that so hard to believe? In spite of all the available evidence Riku still feels like he's waiting for Vanitas to turn around and tell him that that awkward joke was one awkward joke too many, that failed attempt at flirting was one failed attempt too many, that fart was one fart too many.  
  
He runs the shower cool at first to help him clear his head. Unfortunately it wasn't always the case (as much as he wishes he could forget, Riku was a teenage boy once), but he loves to shower. Feeling the stale sweat and clinging anxiety wash away from his body. He leaves the water cold until his skin begins to prickle, then cranks up the heat and scrubs himself down. His stomach is still queasy but he finally feels like his lungs are filling to capacity again.  
  
As he's running his hands through his hair his phone buzzes from his jeans pocket. Riku doesn't even need to check the notification to know that it's his best friend is sending him a post-date check up. Which would be sweet if it wasn't literally because the majority of Riku's dates end badly. He pulls on a clean shirt and a pair of slacks, wondering how to reply. He feels like the eggplant emoji would be premature. Too many things could go wrong between here and fucking.  
  
Sure enough: _Hey Riku!!! How was the date??_  
  
Riku hesitates over the keypad. Finally he types: _Still going (fingers crossed)_. He adds an eggplant emoji. He deletes the eggplant emoji. He hits send.  
  
Sora sends back the eggplant and a thumbs up. As flattered as Riku is by Sora's confidence, it's all he can do to fight down the anxiety that he's going to manage to do something in the next hour that fucks everything up.  
  
He gargles mouthwash and splashes his face with water, appraising himself in the steam-fogged mirror with a critical eye. _Come on Riku. You're a good-looking guy. Work with that and don't lose your mind the moment Van takes his shirt off._  
  
One last deep breath and he returns to the bedroom. Inside Vanitas is rummaging through his underwear drawer, his weight cocked onto one hip in a posture that bends his spine quite alluringly.  
  
"What were you hoping to find in there, porn and sex toys?"  
  
Van's laugh sends a thrill of anticipation through Riku's body. "Maybe." Suddenly he is so close, his neck craned to pierce Riku's eyes with that beautiful liquid gold gaze. The heat of his body seeps through his shirt as Riku slides his hands around Van's waist, cautiously at first then tighter as Vanitas kisses him forcefully, still giggling - there's really no other word to describe it - every pound of his slight weight pushing against Riku. His hands tightening in Riku's hair. Arousal tightening in Riku's gut.  
  
"I guess we're not taking this slowly then," Riku manages, or at least manages about half of, lifting Vanitas up before the smaller man has a chance to actually climb onto him. He has to stop kissing Van to get them to the bed, although Van makes a pretty good attempt to keep keep going anyway, and then they're dropping onto the firm mattress, Riku's weight making Van bounce on impact. Riku realises he's laughing too, cupping his hand around the back of Van's head to pull him close and kiss him again hungrily. His tongue still tastes of coffee, bitter and milky, but amazingly Riku isn't even close to caring. He realises he's groaning only as the sound slips from his mouth into the scant space between them. Vanitas' hands roam over his back, first over his shirt then creeping up under the thin fabric.  
  
"Why did you even bother getting dressed again," he says as he struggles the shirt over Riku's shoulders. "You knew I was just gonna… huh." Riku feels Van's eyes on his chest almost like physical touch. A traitorous thought in the back of his mind says: _this is the good part. It's all downhill from here._  
  
He pushes his anxiety down, into his stomach which grumbles - he hopes - at least too quietly for Van to hear.  
  
"You, uh, you don't just have to look."  
  
Softly, almost reverently, Vanitas lays the palm of his hand against the boundary between Riku's stomach and his ribs, sending a jolt through Riku's body that ends in his gut.  
  
"God," Van whispers in amazement, "How do you even _do_ that." He presses his fingers against Riku's muscles, testing the resistance. His other hand finds Riku's bicep; Riku's pretty sure he manages to act casual about flexing it. At least a little bit casual. At least Vanitas seems too distracted to notice that Riku is not, in fact, capable of being casual about anything with a cute man in his bed and half an erection in his pants.  
  
"Uh, a lot of crunches. And genetics. Muscles run in the family. You should meet my mom."  
  
Vanitas grins slyly. "Nah, incest isn't really my thing."  
  
"You know that wasn't what I meant!" Riku gives Van a shove, which just makes him laugh again. Then they're kissing again, Van's hands looping around Riku's neck to pull him closer. It's only when Vanitas tips his head back, offering the curve of his jaw to be kissed, that Riku notices how flushed and breathless the smaller man is.  
  
It suddenly occurs to him - way too late, like four dates too late - that for all his posturing Vanitas is actually quite possibly as surprised and unprepared for all of this as Riku is.  
  
He moves slowly, kissing Van's jaw where his skin is beginning to prickle with a faint blush of stubble, then pressing a line of kisses along his neck. His skin is so intoxicatingly warm beneath Riku's fingers and against his lips. Riku pretends he isn't turned on by Van's fist curling into his hair again or the low groan that slips from his mouth. Riku does an extremely bad job of pretending he isn't turned on.  
  
He manages to say something like, "It's only fair if we're both shirtless," as he starts to pop the buttons on Van's shirt, following his hands with more kisses down the other man's chest, his breastbone and ribs just faintly visible under his flesh, his heart audibly thumping as if it's barely contained by Van's slim frame. He smells faintly of sweat and hot oil. Riku glances up and catches Vanitas' sly expression and melts all over again. He almost manages to ignore his sweaty palms on Van's skin as he slides the shirt away from his shoulders, and Van doesn't seem to care at all, letting out a laugh that turns into a sigh that turns into a moan as Riku cautiously traces his palms over the smooth curve of Vanitas' stomach, then the flush of hair leading from his navel to his pants. He wants to move slowly, explore every inch of Van's body and soak up every second, but he also feels as if his chest will explode if he doesn't touch every part of Vanitas at once. He also kind of feels like he's going to throw up, which is pretty much par for the course on the rare occasions Riku actually manages to get a guy into bed with him.  
  
_God, Riku, calm down. The more nervous you get the more likely you are to puke._  
  
He wastes a couple of seconds toying with Van's belt, trying not to notice Van's visible arousal or the quickening of his breath or the way he slides his leg up Riku's thigh. "So you really wanna do this?"  
  
Van's voice comes out throaty. "Is that not fucking obvious?"  
  
"I should warn you that, uh, blow jobs probably aren't on the table," Riku admits, wondering why he didn't expect Van's immediate response:  
  
"That's fine, we're in a bed."  
  
"Unfortunately being in a bed still won't protect you from my gag reflex," Riku intones, making Vanitas laugh again. Resting his head on Van's chest Riku can feel the sound reverberating through his body.  
  
"Sounds like you know from experience."  
  
"And I really, really wish I didn't."  
  
"Hey, it's fine," Van says, threading his fingers through Riku's hair, catching at tangles that tug at Riku's scalp, "Once I had a date try to shove his dick down my throat and I bit him, so I bet he wishes I just threw up."  
  
"You bit his _dick_?" Riku splutters, just barely masking a burp of shock.  
  
"Automatic reflex," says Van casually. "He should've warned me."  
  
"Was… was he okay?"  
  
Van shrugs. He bucks his hips a little, tugging absentmindedly on Riku's hair, which Riku finds a lot more arousing than he thought he would. Apparently Vanitas is not in the slightest put off by discussing penis mauling incidents, which is probably a good sign that he won't be put off by… any of Riku. "Oh, yeah. Probably. There wasn't that much blood. For a cock. Lost his boner pretty quick though. Heh."  
  
"I'm… guessing you didn't go out with that guy again." Riku imagines explaining any of this to Sora and Kairi. _He admitted to biting a dick and you still had sex with him?_  ... _Well, in my defense he was really cute and I'm really gay_. Yeah. He imagines them being really impressed by his life choices.  
  
"Nah." _Well, in my defense his eyes make my whole body turn to jelly._ Vanitas strokes a thumb over Riku's forehead, pushing his fringe of hair out of the way, which makes Riku feel more naked than being shirtless. "Didn't like him much anyway." He bites his lip, betraying the hesitation before he adds, "Wasn't hot like you."  
  
"Hey, I've got to have something going for me, right?"  
  
Vanitas tips his head back, giving Riku a sultry gaze. One hand slips to Riku's chest. "I get by just fine." Before Riku can protest with compliments he says, "So are we gonna touch dicks or not?"  
  
"Oh. Right." Riku kisses Van's neck again as he pulls the latch of his belt loose, Vanitas being more of a hindrance than a help wriggling free of his pants. When Riku slips his hand between his legs he lets out a groan that makes Riku's heart skip a beat. He moves clumsily - more nerves than anything - but Vanitas doesn't seem to care, pushing aside the waistband of Riku's pants to reciprocate the touch. Riku's stomach gurgles warningly, but he pushes the feeling down, focusing on the way Vanitas rocks against him and the way he half-pants, half-laughs Riku's name and the way his free hand slides closer to Riku's ass. His grip is surprisingly firm and very much welcome. Riku kisses Van's neck, then his slender jawline, and back to his eager mouth.  
  
"Wait, wait."  
  
"Huh?" It takes a fraction of a moment for anxiety to chill Riku's stomach. He stops instantly, brain scrambling to identify what he did wrong. Vanitas is pushing at his chest, but that grin is still on his lips.  
  
 "On your back."  
  
" _Oh_." There's something very sexy about the way Van straddles his hips, looking down at him with that beautiful brazen expression. Pleased and sly and just a little bit commanding. He guides Riku's hands to his thighs, his angular hips, the dip of his stomach that leads to his dick.  
  
"You look good from this angle," he murmurs, all breathy arousal. The tone of his voice more than his words making Riku flush.  
  
"You too." And he means it, but Vanitas just laughs. "I'm serious- _ohh_." It's difficult to concentrate with Van's thumb massaging the tip of his erection. No more words, at least not coherent ones. Riku pulls Vanitas close, hot skin touching hot skin, their hands fumbling together to bring them to orgasm. Vanitas comes first, pressing his face into the crook of Riku's neck, his body tensing with a gasp that turns into a moan of pleasure, Riku following soon after. His body floods with the release, making his breath hitch and his toes curl. It feels so good he almost doesn't notice the burp of acid reflux in his throat. Almost.  
  
Van's body is limp and heavy against his chest. He lets out little whines as he catches his breath, his hands finding Riku's hair again. He definitely has a thing about hair and Riku is definitely not complaining. Vanitas lazily kisses the bit of Riku's neck that happens to be closest to his mouth.  
  
"We should do that again."  
  
"Sure, but it's gonna be a while before I can get it back up." The joke is a paltry one, but it's enough to elicit laughter. "You need a drink?" Thankfully the water bottle on Riku's bedside table is within reach. He's not sure he could bring himself to leave the bed just yet.  
  
"Oh, yeah. Thanks." Vanitas props himself up on one elbow to drink, giving Riku a chance to sit up. "Hey, I was enjoying laying on you. Get back down."  
  
"Sorry. I need gravity on my side right now." Riku gestures to his stomach, which is definitely not happy about participating in horizontal activity so soon after eating. "You should be grateful I didn't actually throw up."    
  
"Ugh, fine." Vanitas lays back against Riku's chest anyway. "Was that actually a significant possibility?"  
  
"I mean, given my track record, yes."  
  
Van snickers. "I'd still fuck you even if you threw up on me."  
  
"Thanks… I think?"  
  
Van stretches his legs languidly, letting out a sigh. They sit together in that loose embrace for a while, not saying anything, the silence comfortable. Riku's pretty sure he could stay there all night, but eventally Vanitas pries himself away.  
  
"I gotta pee."  
  
"We should probably shower."  
  
"Hm. Yeah. Maybe."  
  
Reluctantly Riku gets up. He can feel Van's eyes on him as he moves around the bedroom, pulling out a fresh towel for Vanitas and hesitating when he gets to his drawer of pyjamas.  
  
"You…wanna stay the night? I can lend you some clothes."  
  
"I'd say you couldn't physically remove me from the bed, but I weigh like a hundred pounds on a full stomach and you're a karate master, so..."  
  
"Yeah, and a karate master with a vested interest in keeping you in the bed."  
  
"Heh. I'd let you pin me down any time."  
  
"Hm. Same," Riku says before he realises he's even spoken, making Vanitas cackle. "Okay, here's a towel and pyjamas. Help yourself to anything in the bathroom. I think I have a spare clean toothbrush somewhere too."  
  
He listens to Van fumble around the bathroom, first flushing the toilet then switching the shower on. He thinks about Vanitas. The warmth of his body, the texture of his skin, his rich golden eyes full of colour and feeling. He thinks about the vulnerability and softness hiding behind that brash exterior and what it will take for Vanitas' true self to emerge. He thinks about Vanitas grabbing his ass and tugging on his hair and fucking him hard.  
  
He thinks he might be just a little bit in love.  
  
The shower shuts off. Footsteps slapping on vinyl, then carpet. Vanitas appears, naked and dripping, his hair plastered over his forehead, four or five bottles from the bathroom in his arms.  
  
He says - announces, really - "You're gonna need to tell me what literally any of these are or I'm gonna start guessing and put ass cream in my hair."  
  
Riku laughs, feeling strangely unselfconscious.  
  
"If you wanted me to join you you could have just said."


End file.
